This isn’t over.

My eyes are just about as heavy as my heart.  It’s been weeks since I’ve had a peaceful night’s sleep; after the sun goes down is when my mind is most prone to wander.   The last  48 hours have been the worst yet.

Honestly, I’m having a difficult time trying to find the words to say and I know its not from the lack of sleep or the haze of confusion that follows it.   A few weeks ago we joyfully shared with the world that we had been chosen by a birth mother and that our long road to  become parents was nearing an end.  We also threw in a tiny disclaimer that even though things could change at a moment’s notice, we were choosing to tell our story in hopes that God gets all the GLORY.  

It appears that our fears are coming true, and that the “changes” we had hoped would not occur are becoming a reality.  We have known from the moment that we were approved by our agency that this scenario is a very likely possibility.  The birth mother is having doubts about her decision to place for adoption and is considering parenting.

I got the phone call from my case worker on Tuesday.  I had spoken to “E”, the birth mother on Monday and we talked about our plans to meet at the hospital on Friday.  Tomorrow, November 8th is her induction date.    We’ve known since last Friday that this child would be making a scheduled appearance.  We’ve been preparing for years to meet him.

Forgive me as I try to choose my following words carefully.  I want to chronicle this journey accurately, yet I want to be as transparent with you as possible.  I am completely heartbroken and terrified.  There is a physical pain in my chest that feels as if it might swallow me whole.

However, this is not over.  Here is what I know to be true:

My God is the same today as He was yesterday, and will be tomorrow.

He will not leave us alone in this very difficult journey.

Tomorrow, a new life will be brought into this world.  It is something that should be celebrated.  

This baby was created in the image of GOD.  I can allow myself to grieve for what may not come to be, but I will still have HOPE.

Like I said before, this is still far from over.  The birth mother can still change her mind again as quickly as she did on Tuesday.  Because she has asked for space, we will not be going to Charlotte to be at the hospital with her like we originally planned.  We will continue to pray for this young mother who has three more daughters at home.  We will pray that if she choses to parent, whatever initially led her to the decision of adoption has been resolved so that she can bring this baby into a loving and stable home.  If not, we pray that she makes a selfless decision for what is best for this child.

It is nearly impossible for me to pray that this woman make a decision that I could not do myself.  I can’t begin to describe the internal conflict I feel as I pray selfishly for the child that I have desired for years.  So I beg for your prayers now.  Pray for strength for everyone involved. Pray for this baby, the innocent party, that is relying on adults to make decisions that are in his best interest.  Pray for the birth mother that she will come to know Christ as her Savior.  Pray that no matter what happens, God is glorified!

I believe in the power of prayer!

“Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”   Matthew 17:20