It is finally over. Bringing home this baby boy simply wasn’t meant to be. I am devastated, heart broken, and completely disappointed; however I feel held. I am comforted by your prayers, my faith, and the Hope that I have in Christ.
There were 17 days between the two phone calls from our case worker. The first one being the call on November 5th from our case worker preparing us for the possibility that the birth mother that we’d been matched with was having doubts about placing her child for adoption. We were struck with the reality of our worst fears and consumed by sadness. Those two and a half weeks were the most agonizing wait and test of patience that I have ever faced.
I cried for days. I cried until I made myself sick. I lost my voice and was sick to my stomach. I made a pallet on floor of the nursery and took turns reading my bible, praying and crying myself to sleep. I couldn’t eat, and I didn’t think I would survive the pain that I thought was going to swallow me whole.
When I got the second phone call, I didn’t crumble like I expected. I don’t really think I cried, at least not immediately. With a combination of grace and sympathy in her voice, our case worker told us that the baby had been born. He was twelve days old and he had been with his mother this entire time. Even though she’d had him, brought him home from the hospital, and was taking care of him; she was still unsure of her decision. She had been avoiding contact with the adoption agency and was given a deadline of December 1st to make a commitment. It wasn’t the outcome that we had hoped and prayed for, but we at least have an answer.
He is hers.
So now, this door is closed. Literally and Figuratively. We’ve packed up all things baby and put them in the nursery and closed the door. It hurts too much to walk by and smell the freshly washed clothes or peek into the waiting crib. The hallway seems a little more narrow without the open door. Right now we are just sad and grieving.
I hope to write more in the near future to share my feelings and what our next steps are in this process. Your prayers are still greatly needed, especially as we walk into this Christmas season. Thank you for your encouragement and reminders of hope.