Fail.

These are just a few, among many of the definitions of the word FAIL that I found online.

FAIL (verb)

1. to fall short of success or achievement in something expected, attempted, desired, or approved
2. to be or become deficient or lacking; be insufficient or absent; fall short
3. to lose strength or vigor; become weak

Unfortunately that is the most common term used to describe an adoption that has fallen through.  Failed adoption.  Ironically, there was absolutely nothing that I, or my husband, could have done or not done to prevent those series of events from happening.  Until recently there was nothing that could shake my burden of feeling like a failure.

The weeks following the phone call confirming our failed adoption placement were dark.  In the sense that I wanted to be isolated and I needed to mourn.  I have walked along several friends as they have faced the sorrow of miscarriages.  Many times I’ve heard it said that it is an anguish that you can sympathize with, but cannot fully comprehend until you survive your own.  The only thing that I can liken those somber weeks to, is my own miscarriage.

Having known the risks and the possible outcomes, as well as the potential emotions that I might feel, I foolishly assumed that since I was prepared for anything, I could face anything.  What I did not prepare myself for was the grief.  Much like during a pregnancy, we made plans and dreamed of things to come while we waited.

I had to grieve for my husband who wants to be a daddy.
I had to grieve for the empty nursery that I had decorated tirelessly.
The tiny clothes that were washed and hung in the closet.
The diaper bag was packed and waiting by the door.  The car seat buckled in the car.
There were countless subtle reminders that I had to pack up and put away because my grief was too much to bear.
My parents, siblings, and friends, all of whom were anxiously awaiting our tiny addition.
I grieved for them, I grieved for me, and I grieved for the baby.

The glorious bend in this story is that grief is just a step in the healing process.  The beautiful light that broke through my darkness has been God’s unending Grace.  Never once, has He left me alone in my grief.  His mercies have been new every morning, despite my insufficiencies or loss of strength.

Lord knew from the moment that we started our paperwork that we would face hardships and heartaches.  This adoption journey has been the biggest act of faith that we have experienced yet.  However, we have a great God who is working all these things together for GOOD. (Romans 8:28)  And for that reason, we continue on this journey, giving God the Glory!