This isn’t over.

My eyes are just about as heavy as my heart.  It’s been weeks since I’ve had a peaceful night’s sleep; after the sun goes down is when my mind is most prone to wander.   The last  48 hours have been the worst yet.

Honestly, I’m having a difficult time trying to find the words to say and I know its not from the lack of sleep or the haze of confusion that follows it.   A few weeks ago we joyfully shared with the world that we had been chosen by a birth mother and that our long road to  become parents was nearing an end.  We also threw in a tiny disclaimer that even though things could change at a moment’s notice, we were choosing to tell our story in hopes that God gets all the GLORY.  

It appears that our fears are coming true, and that the “changes” we had hoped would not occur are becoming a reality.  We have known from the moment that we were approved by our agency that this scenario is a very likely possibility.  The birth mother is having doubts about her decision to place for adoption and is considering parenting.

I got the phone call from my case worker on Tuesday.  I had spoken to “E”, the birth mother on Monday and we talked about our plans to meet at the hospital on Friday.  Tomorrow, November 8th is her induction date.    We’ve known since last Friday that this child would be making a scheduled appearance.  We’ve been preparing for years to meet him.

Forgive me as I try to choose my following words carefully.  I want to chronicle this journey accurately, yet I want to be as transparent with you as possible.  I am completely heartbroken and terrified.  There is a physical pain in my chest that feels as if it might swallow me whole.

However, this is not over.  Here is what I know to be true:

My God is the same today as He was yesterday, and will be tomorrow.

He will not leave us alone in this very difficult journey.

Tomorrow, a new life will be brought into this world.  It is something that should be celebrated.  

This baby was created in the image of GOD.  I can allow myself to grieve for what may not come to be, but I will still have HOPE.

Like I said before, this is still far from over.  The birth mother can still change her mind again as quickly as she did on Tuesday.  Because she has asked for space, we will not be going to Charlotte to be at the hospital with her like we originally planned.  We will continue to pray for this young mother who has three more daughters at home.  We will pray that if she choses to parent, whatever initially led her to the decision of adoption has been resolved so that she can bring this baby into a loving and stable home.  If not, we pray that she makes a selfless decision for what is best for this child.

It is nearly impossible for me to pray that this woman make a decision that I could not do myself.  I can’t begin to describe the internal conflict I feel as I pray selfishly for the child that I have desired for years.  So I beg for your prayers now.  Pray for strength for everyone involved. Pray for this baby, the innocent party, that is relying on adults to make decisions that are in his best interest.  Pray for the birth mother that she will come to know Christ as her Savior.  Pray that no matter what happens, God is glorified!

I believe in the power of prayer!

“Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”   Matthew 17:20

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12 thoughts on “This isn’t over.

  1. Libby and Brad,
    I’m praying for you both! I know that this is a hard season…especially when you two want to be parents so bad! I have memorizing and meditating on these two verses in Psalms 73:25-26
    Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
    My flesh and my heart may fail,but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
    I know discouragement may be creeping up on you, but our God is our strength!
    Love you both,
    Heather Bennett

  2. You sound like a wonderful person and know this child would be brought up in a Christian home. I do pray the best for this precious life. Know you are hurting and am so very sorry for that. I just can’t image how hurt you must be at this moment. God is so good and will comfort you. Lots of love to you and your husband.

  3. oh Libby and Brad,
    My heart aches for you. This has been such a long, hard journey. But, a journey filled with Hope and Faith. I am so grateful that you choose to hold our Father’s hand along the way. To even let Him carry you through these trenches. I pray for this young mother as she makes such a huge decision. I pray for this sweet child’s well being.
    We will continue to walk with you, pray with you and help carry you into this incredible gift of Parenthood, whenever that may be.
    Love you Libby,
    Lois

  4. Love you, beautiful! No matter what–God has wonderful plans for you! I was reading Jeremiah 29:11-13 this morning and want to encourage you that he knows the who, when, and where. Praying for you and know that His plan is always the best! Believing awesome things for you!!!

  5. Hi! I don’t know you personally, but I found your blog from one of my Facebook friends and your story resonates with me so much. We found out just this week that our adoption was disrupted. The birthmother had chosen us, the baby was born 2 weeks ago and the birthfather just did not agree with her plan, so the process was halted and we were left in the dark.

    There are seemingly no words (no matter how sweet and encouraging they may be) that can calm our anxious hearts in times like these. There’s no way someone can understand unless they’ve been in a similar situation and I’m here to tell you…I understand. Cling to the truths that you know to be true. Cling to the blessings, no matter how small, that are all around you. And, cling to the people you know and love.

    There will be an answer for you soon enough, but it’s not the final word. No matter the outcome, there’s still more to the story that’s being written for your lives.

  6. Libby and Brad, I am so sorry this is happening to you. You have waited so long for a precious little one. But if I have learned anything, God is so good – All the time!! And also His timing and His ways are not our timing and ways. My favorite verse since Tracy and Zack died has been Phil 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.” So hang on to Jesus. He will get you through this huge bump in the road. After all He does know the plans He has for YOU!!! love ya bunches, Geraldine and Ron Foreman

  7. Libby,
    My sincere prayer is that your future holds something so miraculous, so amazing, so perfect that it could come only from God. May you find comfort in His promises.

    Mary

  8. Libby and Brad,
    I don’t even feel like I have words adequate enough. I am praying and will ask others to be praying as well. I can’t imagine how difficult the waiting has been for you guys in this journey to become parents. My heart just breaks for you both. I will be praying for the birth of this sweet one tomorrow and that God would give you the strength and grace to accept whatever happens in the days ahead. I love you both.
    Love, Kassi

  9. Lord, have mercy on us! I can only imagine what the two families are enduring at this time. It must horrific to be in either of these positions. To want a child/children is one thing and giving up one would certainly be another. I pray that the decision that is pleasing to the Lord be exemplified and carried out here. May God comfort you in whatever decision is made, may his love and grace shine on you and may you find peace that truly passes any understanding of our own!

  10. Awe I am so sorry. Nothing I can say can help other then God knows what he is doing. And just because you can’t bring the child home doesn’t mean you guys can be involved in it’s life or it’s siblings.

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