A look back.

Here’s a look back at my guest post over at Re{de}fining.  Thanks again Jenn for considering all aspects of motherhood!

I’m usually terrible with dates.  I can’t ever remember my best friends’ birthdays.  I actually do well to remember the month.  Thank you Facebook for helping me not look like a jerk.  However, I do remember The Date.  It only took my husband an entire month to convince me we were ready.  Yes, he had to convince me.  May 27, 2007 was our first Anniversary, so do the math: one month of convincing + one last day on the pill and we arrive at June 28th.   We had 13 glorious months of marital bliss before this day.  And then it happened.

(Cue the dramatic music…)

We were ready to start a family.  We were also innocently ignorant to the ways of the world and how things don’t immediately turn out the way that you imagine them in your storybook fairy-tale.  Looking back, I can’t recall encountering anyone in my life who was experiencing infertility.  Even though I’d heard of women who had endured a miscarriage, the dourness of such circumstances didn’t register with me until it was something I had experienced on my own.

After more than a year of shattered dreams, countless doctors visits, and four miserable (& failed) rounds of fertility drugs we felt defeated. We needed a break to physically and emotionally recoup. Surprisingly, a few months later, we were stunned to find out that our time of rest was beneficial.  The day that I found out I was going to be a mother brought a precious joy that very few other events in my life have produced.  Twelve days later that joy turned to gut-wrenching heartache.  The circumstances surrounding our miscarriage are complex.  I actually experienced an ectopic pregnancy, and was miraculously much further along in my pregnancy than I had originally thought.  The following months brought excruciating complications that are sporadically detailed in my first blog, Keeping In Step.

Despite my brief pregnancy, I am a mother; even though my emotions and empty arms would beg to differ on most days.  After my body had healed physically and my emotions had become more stable, my response to well-meaning strangers when they asked if I had any children was usually the same.  “Not yet.”  It was the simple answer, but a response that always brought up raw sentiments.

It’s been three and a half years since we had to say good-bye to our first baby.  There are still so many unanswered questions regarding our infertility issues.  Thankfully, these days I have a new response to those curious inquiries from strangers.  It is still easier not to mention our baby in Heaven during casual conversations, but we will proudly tell anyone who will listen that we are expecting our next baby through adoption.  My journey to motherhood has been a difficult road. Throughout this adventure, I have experienced a variety of emotions and there have been the most difficult of days.  Mostly, I am thankful.  For the privilege of being chosen to be the mother of our precious baby in heaven, and especially for being blessed by the merciful grace of my Saviour.

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