Right now: My current flow of thoughts.

Right now, there is an 8 week shadow of grunge all over my house.

I haven’t had the strength to clean it.

Right now, if I had the strength, I’d rather go buy clean unmentionables, instead of tackling all the loads of laundry.  But then, I’d probably have to wash those before I could wear them.

Pajama pants are my best friend right now.

There isn’t anything to eat in the fridge, anything fresh enough that wouldn’t make you sick, at least.  I’m kinda craving pizza rolls, but we don’t have any of those either, of course.

Right now my face is swollen and I feel drab & yucky.

It’s because I’ve been sick for almost two months straight.  And crying randomly.  I can’t remember the last time I wore makeup.

Cough drops have been more like candy lately.

Right now there is a sharp pain in my chest.

Mainly from coughing for two weeks. Also, because it hurts when I’m sad and discouraged.

Brad knows exactly how to make me laugh.  Even if he’s picking on me, and I’m feeling like this.  I miss kissing him because I haven’t wanted to share my lovely germs.

Right now it is hard to see past the things that I don’t have instead of being thankful for what I’m blessed with.

I am really thankful that I finally found a pillow that I love.  It only took three years to find it, give or take a month.

What do I want most that I don’t have?  A baby.

My arms long, my nose craves, my lips burn and my heart aches to hold, smell, kiss, and love on a little bitty babe that I can call my own.  Haven’t we waited long enough?

Right now I miss my family.  I’m homesick.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I’ve convinced myself that even thirty minutes towards home would make a huge difference.  Truthfully, that’s a lie.

Home is where your heart is, right?  Brad has my heart, but there are little pieces that will always be back in South Carolina, and wherever those adorable nieces are.

I keep praying for God to take us back home, but those are prayers that I don’t think will be answered the way that I want them to be.  At least not now, anyways.

Maybe I should change the way I’m praying.

Actually, I know I should.  But right now I feel selfish.  I want things my way, and that is reflected in my prayers.

I want a house near our family, with a nursery large enough to have a ottoman for my rocking chair.  A nursery that Brad and & I could both stand in at the same time and watch our baby sleeping.  Our baby, that we don’t have to wait for any longer.  I want a craft room that isn’t a cramped nook in the corner, where I can finally get something accomplished.  A kitchen that has a real big girl pantry, near a screened in porch.  With maybe a puppy…

Right now, I wish I could fake it.

I wish that I didn’t have to experience the ugly side of things.  My defenses are all worn down and I am tired of fighting.  This is part of the story that I don’t want to share.  The part where I’m weak and my faith is running low.

The things that we are facing right now are not necessarily greater than anything anyone else is facing.  But the relativity of our circumstances to our situation seem to be more than I can bear lately.  Basically, I’m tired.

Right now, even through my doubt, my fears, my sadness and pain, my selfish prayers, and my sick coughs and emotional tears.  I know there is Hope.

If God knows my heart as perfectly as I believe he does, then He knows I still believe in Him.  And I believe Him when He said that this life of following Him wouldn’t be easy.

Right now I’m trusting that the Lord has plans for my life, my marriage, our family, our future.  These plans are for my own well being.  He promises He will take care of me, and not abandon me.

His plans are to give me the future that I’ve dared to hope for.

Jeremiah 29:11

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4 thoughts on “Right now: My current flow of thoughts.

  1. You are right, God does have a plan for you, He always has, it has never changed. I know though, that even that knowledge doesn’t always make us feel better or make our broken hearts whole again, at least not right away. I am so sorry. I hate more than anything that you are in this spot in your life, although I bet one day you will know why you had to wait and maybe even appreciate it. I see so many people going through things that are so different than my own but I can see God working in it all. One thing I know is true is that you waiting and having this desire has strengthened your marriage while sometimes raising kids from the moment you are practically married, can weaken your marriage. I wish Jon and I had had time to ourselves before becoming parents, I envy the time you have with you love. Know I am praying for you and your sweet husband. Love you!

  2. I don’t know how in the world I missed this post, but I want you to know I’ve been praying and will continue to, even harder now. Keith and I want so much to hear the news that you can’t babysit anymore! Not because we don’t love you, of course… but precisely because we DO!

  3. I just found your blog but I wanted to stop in and say…it gets better. The broken heart, the longing arms, the questioning (oh the questioning!!) It gets better. We were in trenches with fertility treatments and a miscarriage for 2 years and adoption for almost as long (3 failed adoptions, international and domestic). We brought home our precious miracle of a daughter from Taiwan on Father’s Day of this year and I promise it gets better. You know how they tell pregnant women labor is awful but when you hold your baby you forget all the pain? It is kind of like that. It doesn’t make it easier now but remember there is light at the end of this long, scary, dark tunnel. Keep the faith and God Bless!

    You are in my prayers,
    Tara

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